Your Wicked Side Is My Drug

How do I say this?

That I still think about those days. Those days when the love I had for you threatened to take away what I value most: life. Those days when you could not handle that I could stand up for myself and told you face to face that I was done with your shit.

How do I say this?

ThatI am sickened by it being about you and your feelings amd how the society will perceive you. That it's not about how I am an emotional wreck because there are parts of me that never forget.

How do I say this?

That sometimes it feels like a mistake. That I shouldn't have been the one that was trying to make ammends for your choices. That I should have let the world see the real you. Take you for who you are.

How do I say this?

That everyone who defended you has a scheduled dinner with el diablo in hell. They decided that I was wrong. That I had always been the wrong one for you. Why did you even choose her? was a question they repeatedly asked.

How do I say this?

That now I prefer sitting alone to going out and smiling hypocritically to your defenders.

How do I say this?

That the nightmares and terror from the dreaded day still linger on. That I found a new pal named insomnia and we are best buddies. That closing my eyes hurts my soul. That mornings feel like a relief but deep down I know that it won't last long. Night time is only a few hours away.

How do I say this?

That for peace, I would do anything to give me a peep of your thoughts and when you plan to strike next. Thoughts that scare me because they are unknown. They appear to be pulling you into a dark abyss. If it were you, you'd be scared too.

How do I say this?

That I always want to spend my days crying and lie to myself over and over again that it's all going to be fine. That my brain feels like a broken record repeating the same thoughts over and over again.

How do I say this?

That I'm afraid. A fear that even words cannot explain. A fear that comes every day creeping slowly and unnoticeably and has a strong grip.

How do I conclude this?

I am more angry with myself than I am with you or your defenders. Angry that I am so vulnerable and so nice that I forgot my strengths. Angry that I can never bring myself to leave because sometimes your wicked side is my drug.

If you are domestic violence victim, be it physical, emotional, financial or psychological, always have this in mind: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT. Keep telling yourself that until you find the strength to leave.

#DomesticViolence #ItIsMoreThanJustABlackEye #LoveShouldNotHurt

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